It started with a royal handshake at Windsor Castle and ended with a bacon butty in Middle Street, Consett. Yes, that’s right, US President Donald J. Trump paid a surprise visit to our proud North East town. Why?
“I wanted to see the real Britain,” he said.
“And folks, this is it.”
Trump’s black motorcade swept past the old steelworks site where he leapt out beside the Terra Novalis sculpture like a man surveying a lost empire.
“You people made steel that built the world. Bridges, buildings, battleships!
Let’s dig baby dig — bring it all back!
Steelworks. Pits. Glory!”
Locals gathered, phones out.
“Is that Trump?” asked one teenager.
“Aye, or someone from Bishop in a wig,” replied another.
Pub Toasties and Regional Leaders
At The Grey Horse, Trump ordered a toastie:
“None of your fancy ciabatta nonsense.”
He admired the pub’s old-school charm.
“This is history. Real British heritage. You won’t get this in Manhattan.”
He posed beside a framed photo of someone’s gran, thinking it was a “regional leader”, then saluted a brass decoration and said:
“Thank you for your service.”
Red Curry and Grand Ideas
Lunch continued at The Company Row, where he devoured a red curry (“spicy, but presidential”) and sat with locals to discuss Consett’s industrial past.
“So, you had coal, steel and Woolworths?” he asked.
“We did. It was glorious,” someone replied.
That’s when Trump stood up and shouted across the room:
“We’re bringing Woolies back! Pick’n’mix for everybody!”
Markets, Wrappers & a Business Proposal
Next, he strutted through Middle Street Market, shaking hands, signing autographs (mostly on Greggs wrappers), and pointing at things shouting:
“What’s that? I want ten!”
When he reached Barry’s Bargains, Trump stopped in his tracks.
“This is it. This is the future. High-end discount luxury. This place is tremendous.”
He bought a 120-box of hobnobs, a plastic owl, and a three-bar electric fire — then asked to meet the owner.
“Get me Barry. We’re doing business. Trump x Barry: a global brand. You sell deals, I sell the dream.”
They shook hands beside a tower of budget toilet roll. “It’s beautiful,” Trump said.
Vinyl Comeback & Phase Two
Spotting the old site of Ross Records, Trump gasped.
“This was a music empire. We’ll rebuild it. Trump Records. Vinyl, cassettes, limited edition Barry Manilow for the people!”
Someone shouted, “So what about Woolies?”
“Phase two. Phase two,” Trump nodded, seriously.
A Big Speech at The Empire
That evening at The Empire Theatre, the President addressed a packed crowd.
“Consett, we will rise again. We’ll reopen the steelworks, the train line, Woolworths, Ross Records.
We will Make Consett Great Again!
MAGA? No. MCGA!”
Someone cheered, “Bring back Botto’s while you’re at it!”
Another screamed, “And the old baths!”
“Done. All of them. Massive deals. Beautiful returns.”
Stuck in the Maze of Betrayal
Trump’s beasty armoured vehicle got stuck on the roundabout by McDonald’s.
“This is the maze of betrayal,” he said, pointing at the signage. “I’ll get it sorted.”
He also proposed a Trump Tower on the site.
“Retail, leisure, helipad. Big splash. Huge.”
And suggested renaming Derwentside College:
“Trump Academy of Excellence.”
Was It All a Dream?
As his motorcade vanished down Medomsley Road, one pensioner muttered:
“He’s daft as a brush — but I’d vote for him if he did something about the buses.”
Maybe he was joking.
Maybe he wasn’t.
But for one absolutely bonkers day, Consett felt like the centre of the world.
Disclaimer: This article and illustration are entirely fictional and created for entertainment. It is a playful, imaginative piece by a local reader, celebrating what it might be like if Donald J. Trump visited Consett. No real events, endorsements or associations are implied — it’s clearly a fantasy, and we think even Mr Trump would enjoy it.
Fantasy Fiction by Daniel Blyth
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