By Lorraine Weightman
Eee, it’s nearly Christmas,
It’s time to have some fun,
I have a great big cake all mixed,
With whiskey, fruit and, rum!
Following a good recipe,
From a lass named Mary Berry,
She said, ‘Put it all in a mixing bowl,
and don’t forget the, sherry!
I did what I was told, and then,
I added a wee bit more,
Of Baileys and Limoncello,
I found, on the pantry floor!
The mixture smelt delicious,
I added gin from Auntie Sheila,
I found champagne and vodka,
and a big bottle of Tequila!
With brown paper, I lined the tin,
Snipping around the sides,
Pouring in the heady bowlful,
I stood back, then smiled with pride!
My very first big Christmas cake,
Was ready now to bake,
Shining bright, with glacé cherries,
What a feat to undertake!
I placed it in the oven,
Just as I had been instructed,
Making sure it was on gas mark 1
On a shelf, and unobstructed!
I retired early that same night,
Dreaming dreams of Christmas treats,
I filled my water bottle full,
To make sure I had hot, feet!
Then through the night, I heard a, sound,
That woke me from my slumber,
An almighty bang, that shook the house,
It sounded, just like thunder!
The fire alarm began to scream,
It’s screech was loud and blaring,
I staggered down the staircase,
Forgetting, what I was wearing!
The cake had travelled everywhere,
The sight, it set me reeling,
For the cooker had exploded,
And the door was stuck to the ceiling!
Ploughing a path through the gooey mess,
I stretched to find my phone,
Quickly, dialling numbers, 999,
Saying I was home alone!
‘Emergency, which service?’
I heard the voice on the end of the line,
‘I might need them all’, I spluttered out loud,
It’s between me and the cake this time!
With a hole in the roof, and the kitchen on fire,
I tried to open the door,
But it was plastered shut with rich fruit cake,
And my feet were stuck to the floor!
It felt like the magic porridge pot,
As the cake mix kept on swelling,
Like a stream of molten lava,
Filling up my lovely dwelling!
It was then that I heard the sirens,
As the flames glowed brighter and redder,
I was saved by the sight of his Halligan tool,
and the sweet sound of his hydraulic spreaders!
With a fireman’s lift I was rescued that day.
And I must say that made me feel calmer,
My only regret as, escorted away,
Was being dressed, in Grinch patterned pyjamas!
The insurance paid up so I bought some new stuff,
And moved house with my Fireman Sam,
It was love at first sight on that fateful night,
And about the Christmas cake, well,
I don’t give a damn!
