A “True” Story By Lorraine Weightman.
Monday
News broke earlier today that 250 newly built houses disappeared overnight on the former site of Consett Steel Works.
The only thing now visible to the naked eye is an extremely extensive patch of scorched land where dozens of families once lived.
Police at the scene said they received a call in the early hours of Monday morning from an insomniac dog walker who reported that on taking his usual route, he turned the corner into the estate and there were no houses visible; stating he could see all the way to Blackhill with nothing to mar his view.
Mr. D. Ogtreats from Consett was questioned by police immediately afterwards and charged with arson about 8am that morning.
He denied any untoward behaviour, stating he would be contacting his solicitors, Hadaweigh and Shight – a local firm – to represent him.
The fire brigade have cordoned off the area and asked local residents to stay away in case of toxicity and contamination.
Tuesday
Yesterday over 250 homes vanished into mid air overnight, including cars, wheelie bins and those cute little gnomes that sit on toadstools holding fishing rods!
This morning, locals reported that on the cordoned off area where the houses once stood, huge plants were growing out of the still smoking ground. An expert was called in to examine and identify the strange cactus like plants which have reached heights of over two metres already and almost covered the site completely.
Consett folk have been asked to remain indoors and only venture out when extremely necessary, as the army have been drafted into the town centre and have permission to question anyone they deem to be suspicious.
The inquiry continues…
Wednesday
News has broken this morning of the huge forest of spreading cacti which is taking over a town in north west Durham.
Consett the third highest market town in England is now covered in strange cactus type plants which are engulfing, streets, parks and any open spaces.
The incident began three days ago when a large housing estate disappeared and was replaced by these speedily growing plants.
President Biden in one of his last duties in office was flown into Consett Airport earlier today to review the situation.
Arriving in Air Force One, he hurriedly joined the cavalcade, making his way past Number One roundabout, finding time to call into Lorraine Weightman’s home for a cup of tea before speeding to the original site where the houses disappeared.
Experts from NASA and Cape Canaveral, have travelled with him to investigate the strange phenomenon.
Mr D.Ogtreats who had been arrested concerning the matter was released on bail after revealing his encounter with a stranger the night before.
Mr Biden in a press conference said he hoped they would get to the bottom of this within the next 24 hours.
Thursday
Just before midnight yesterday the President of the United States gave a statement on international television.
He declared that a huge cohort of Space Travellers had managed to beam up a whole housing estate in Consett Co Durham to make way for a gigantic farm of Agave – pronounced ‘Uh Gah Vee’ – plants to make their favourite drink.
Known as ‘The Tequila Bandits’, they have intergalactic Amazon stores which sell their product and needed to up their supply chain.
3 weeks later …
Consett residents have been generously reimbursed for any inconvenience caused after an agave plantation took over their town.
Mr. D.Ogtreats’ solicitors Hadaweigh and Shight, have made a statement saying he will be pursuing compensation for his ill treatment and wrongful arrest, but is happy that the tequila shortage in the town and the rest of the world has been rectified.
Consequently, Consett, is now the tequila capital of the world and all residents including those from the infamous housing estate, hold extremely valuable shares in this popular product.
Finally, they are all secure and living happily in their own homes on another planet in a different universe after a pre meditated rip in the space – time continuum, which luckily for them boasts the very same micro climate found in Consett!
